How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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