I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize