i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
