I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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