Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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