So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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