just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
