Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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