Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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