Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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