I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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