Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
