the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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