my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
