last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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