I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
