im six kinds of drunk right now
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize