Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
