ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
