i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
