if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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