i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize