come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize