somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
