It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just puked most of my soul out..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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