Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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