Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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