Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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