I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
