I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
