he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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