sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
