Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Come see our sink grown plant.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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