six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
