I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
