Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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