It was like getting head from an anaconda
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
