If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
