so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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