I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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