Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize