im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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