why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
