i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
