I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
