3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
