The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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