I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
