I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just high enough for therapy.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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