the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize