A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
