he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
