I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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