Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
