I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
