i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
