If i come over, it means nothing
The maid of honor just puked.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
