if i can run in heels then i can drive
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
