I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize