i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
