I heard we made out
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize