I wish my penis had an off switch
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
