she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
