Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
